Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Firm Grasp on Foreign Policy Also Not Required

los angeles craigslist > SF valley > adult gigs


Reply to: gigs-836109998@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-10, 8:20PM PDT

Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days.

Major adult studio.

Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP

Pay: $2000-3000

No anal required

Phew. That is WAYYY better.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Yes, There Were Penis Straws, But Not That Many.

Ok. I realize two in a row is excessive, but bear with me - this is the last time I mention this stuff for a while. I attended a bachelorette party this weekend, which was mostly populated by women who are allergic to the very concept of bachelorette parties:

As you can see, nobody died from Sarcastic Ego Inflamation. In fact, I'd say we handled ourselves admirably, with a high ratio of karaoke/dancing/bull-riding participation.

While I'm loathe to burden this blog with the gritty little details of my daily life, please allow me to make this one exception, because I'm pretty sure if you actually have A VIDEO OF YOURSELF RIDING A MECHANICAL BULL, you really ought to put it on your blog.

Especially if you're this fly doing it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

To Have And To Holding Pattern

Ok, seriously. What IS this?? All the girls around me suddenly have the Matrimonial Fever. It's not Spring and it's not the mid-20th Century, so why are so many of my snarky sisteren suddenly married, engaged, as-good-as-engaged, or at least trying on wedding dresses "just for fun"?!

I say it's either a heretofore undocumented effect of global warming (and we're unconsciously scrambling to git all the gittin' done before we're toaster strudels), or, and this is a bit more frightening, I'm beginning to think maybe 28 is our generation's Event Horizon...that at this point you either make a really big deal about your pairing off (the wedding) or you resign yourself to the serial monogamist perm-circuit, squeezing back into those J Brands year after year until the apple bottom falls out.

If the following gown from Monique Lhuilier's Spring 09 collection looks like a hot wedding dress to you (like it does to me and Deirdre), you may be a latter transitioning to a former...

...and you could probably benefit from a bit of reprogramming.

I want you to meditate on the following images, and when you're done, I want you to go to the bank, withdraw that 10K dress-fund, and do the following:

1. buy a motorcycle
2. kidnap best friend
3. drive to Mexico

Friday, September 19, 2008

Celebrities...they're just like us!!

Except I look where I'm going.

Gross dude.

By now you'll have realized that Freddie Mercury Fridays have been very lo-key for the past couple of weeks. Kind of AWOL, actually.

It's important that you realize, however, that EVERY FRIDAY IS FREDDIE MERCURY FRIDAY.

You see? The power was inside you! It was inside you all along!!


Thursday, September 18, 2008

How white are we?

It's very late and I'm doing my Life Drawing homework...I know, right? I have homework in a class where I draw LIVE NUDE MODELS. It positively boggles.

I apparently also decided to explore how TOTALLY WHITE I AM, and have been watching Annie Lennox and Kate Bush videos on Youtube with one eye, the other trained on this...skeleton I'm drawing out of a book. I know. Still boggles.

I very soon realized, despite my opinion that Kate Bush's Hounds of Love is the Second Best Album of All Time, that I had never actually seen a video from her. Now that I've explored her efforts in this department, I very much...VERY MUCH wish I never had. I am suddenly illumined as to why she only made it big in the UK.

[Spoiler Alert]

In the following video, there's this flappy choreographed part where you're going to be like, "Oh, she's kidding! What a relief." But then these guys in Aborigine black face are birthed from the dirt and you're like, "Oh. Oh god Kate." Watch for Lorenzo Lamas in the back there:

I present to you Kate Bush's Dreaming. Put it on mute if you must.

I know, RIGHT?! You're like, "Hold on, wait, what? REEEEALLY? Nawwww." And I'm like, "Swear, dude. Can hardly believe it myself."

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Big Brown Beautiful Bear

This has absolutely nothing to do with fashion or Fashion Week. It has everything to do with a big ol beautiful brown bear. From the weird and wonderful brain of our friend Derek to you:

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tales From the Treadmill

So I was jogging at the gym for, like, four minutes this morning (still managed to be 15 late for work...guess I should've skipped the butt-press-powered time machine they just installed...) and caught Rachel Zoe's interview on the Today Show, promoting her show, The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo.

Honestly, I don't give an XOXO metallic hobo bag about her. I don't read Perezhilton, I don't talk about babybumps, and I have never seen an episode of The Hills (ok, saw a part of one once). Since I assume that represents the scope of her powers, it never even really occurred to me to look into her, but I've been googling her a little, and this is pretty much all I've found:

According to the good readers of TV.com,

Rachel's nickname is Lettuce Cup.
Rachel wanted to dance at Studio 54 and fly to exotic destinations.
Rachel earns about $6,000 a day.
Rachel worked as a stylist for YM magazine in 1996.
Rachel graduated from George Washington University in 1993, majoring in sociology and psycholody.

No, really, that's it. All the rest of my google journalism resulted in me finding out what she eats (fish and vegetables),and people calling her a rat face with, like, stringy hair and other such nonsense.

Yeah, I know it ain't exactly flattering, but honestly, Lettuce Cup, you looked pretty alright in this morning's interview. I've got some totally rough pics floating around myself.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Fashion Weak

So New York's Mercedes Benz Fashion Week started last Friday, and I've thus far done a pretty bang-up job of avoiding all things fashiony. (Other than rsvp to the Alexander Wang afterparty and proceed not attend...saw the photos, though, and it looked kinda stinky.)

So cute. Couldn't you just go in for a sweaty little nibble?

I'm not above a little NYC pride when our fashion weeks roll around, even if this is technically a lean year for the biz, and I'm also technically still against the unforgivably conspicuous consumption of the entire spectacle. This year a couple open slots in the Atelier schedule means time for a free protein bar for all the hungry fashion assistants, and when else are you going to find time to go to the Perrier-Jouet VIP room and suck down a free magnum? Now THAT is my type of conspicuous consumption.

Another element of fashion week I find enthralling is Pantone's release of the "colors of the season," i.e. what you'll be seeing draped across the shoulders of hot young things come next Easter...if you live in a glamorous world that recycles their wardrobe every three months. It's a lot of work.

Personally, I've been too busy to hate on any of the shows yet, so in lieu of this, I'm gonna hate on Rose Dust, Pantone #14-1307. Like, seriously, NOBODY can wear that color. Maybe pair it with the Fuschia Red up there and we'll talk.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

IN A WORLD...where something happens, and something else totally out of the normal happens at the same time...

Oh Don LaFontaine, how we'll miss you ...seriously. The god of the voiceover passed on to the other side yesterday, as did our hope of ever again finding out what kind of world we're living, what's happening this summer, or who's come to save us all. We're pretty much doomed. (Also, they're totally going to have to stop running that MegaMillions Lotto commercial with him and all the other famous voiceover actors.)

In an Aubergenian homage to the passing of this surprisingly influential actor, the following is a smattering of other famous people that, had they died yesterday, would've made us say, "Oh, wait...really? Wow. Weird." In no particular order:

Margaret Cho:

George Wendt:

Or, rather, George Wendt:

Rhonda Schear:

Mrs. Fields

The Undertaker:

I know I've been a little list-happy here, so as a reward for your patronage and patience, I give you:

Patriot Games

I've gotta say I really do look forward to Freddie Mercury Friday. I mean, look at him! He's so active! So contemporary!

You know he probably wore that to a Democratic Convention Viewing Party last night and then pulled a party-all-nighter. Trooper's probably on hour 50 by now. Go America!