Monday, July 28, 2008

Mystery Shopper

So when I told a fashionable little birdie at the Seize sur Vingt...

"ya brahhhh Seize it" last night about what I was posting about next, namely "EXOTIC" Produce, he implied that it just wasn't up to the Aubergenius Sexy Standards. I mean, that is just...hahah...I mean, felonious.

I sometimes find myself wandering like a pig in the sunshine in Whole Foods, throwing the things that least resemble canned peaches and bodega beans into my basket, and I have to tell you, I happen to find the sunchoke VERY sexy:

Yeah, I know, that's reaching. It also took me all day to write this post. Seeing as I'm all about, as well as unable to get enough of, The Sexy, it can be determined that exotic vegetation does not, indeed, have much to do with the sexy. As this proof clearly states:

Ok Gabe, you win this round. Whatever, it's Freddie Mercury Friday anyway, and who can be bothered with fruits?

Tonight he's going to a White Party at Gold Bar:

Effing fabulous, Freddie. Oh, speaking of fabulous Freds, here's our dear Fred doing an excellent Lima-handling job. Hi Fred!! Admirable grip. Check out his bag: I'm pretty sure Fred's Secret was the 8 caipirinhas on the plane.

We Are The Champions

Yeah yeah, I know last week's Freddie Mercury Friday went by without even a Scaramouche...and I know how much you look forward to these things...but you know, the only thing lamer than US missing out on FMF is ME missing out on the BEAUTIFUL NYC Summer Friday. Really, gotta look out for number one over here.

But since I know it's important to you, I present to you the first Fake Freddie Mercury Monday:

Oh and speaking of CHAMPIONS, my friends and I participated in a FIELD DAY this past Saturday, and we, The Yellow Team, The Golden Gods, Team Sunshine, did indeed dominate.

Check out these winners (weiners):

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Yes, Yes, But What Does It MEAN

Can I tell you about my dream two nights ago? I know, I know. Everybody hates it when you tell them about dreams (unless it's about them), but IT LOOKED LIKE THIS:

Actually, it looked more like that mixed with this:

Which equals THIS:

Let me explain. In the dream my girlfriends and I had all decided to grow facial hair. Mine was this thick, silky, wildly luxurious thing that I couldn't stop running my fingers through. A couple friends had gotten creative, but nothing more ambitious than a baby Fu-Manchu. It was summer, we were in shorts and playsuits, fanning ourselves, waiting for the train.

Suddenly I saw this beautiful friend of mine that I haven't seen in a coon's age, and she's also got this thick, full blond beard and I'm like, "Holy shit Jessie! Hi! You've got a beard too!" And I want to tell her she looks marvelous, but I'm struck with the realization that this girlbeard trend is just GHASTLY. Suddenly I'm WRETCHED with shame at having this beard, and can barely stomach the idea of even riding home on public transit to shave it off.

Then I woke up.

But what does it meeeean?

It may mean that even though I THINK I like these little Sold Out trousers here:

I should probably just leave the poopie pants to the Finns.

This post is dedicated to this Finnish child, who can wear whatever the fuck he wants whenever he wants:

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Top Ten Wildlife We Did NOT See While Camping in Taconic State Park This Weekend

10. Osprey

9. Bobcat

8. Deer

7. Black Bear
(You MUST check out the old man walk at :24)

6. Wild Turkey

5. Beaver

4. Aye Aye

3. Cougar

2. This Bag

1. Subway Rodent

Friday, July 18, 2008


So I just joined my first big-girl gym, at $75 a month (New York Sports Club), and I admit I'm torn. My other gym was/is a $25-per-month,zero amenity cabbie hole, populated by body builders, the aforementioned cabbies, and, occasionally, Amanda LePore doing pelvic thrust floor exercises.

Honest to gawd, the spectacle of her with her legs propped up on a yoga ball doing pelvic thrusts is pretty much the only thing that's ever kept me on the stair machine for longer than 10 minutes...but I can't really depend on her to be there when I need her.

I'm sorry things just didn't work out, Amanda, but I've decided to seek my thinspiration elsewhere. Namely, Project Runway reruns at the eliptical:

Oh, and in case you forgot ALREADY, it's FREDDIE MERCURY FRIDAY!!!

Amanda, eat your stony little heart out!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


I usually hate goddamn hippies. But these foreign flora fornicators make me happy; must be the rcfghdykvik in them. [Note fff nestled in crotch of tree]

Sigur Ros - Gobbledigook

This feller has to duct tape the headphones to his head. That's gumption!

Archie Bronson Outfit - Kink, at Gigantic studios during CMJ 06

This is a brilliant electric spark discharging all over a man. Over and over again.

Lightning Bolt - no idea what this song is

Worth waiting through Nels' noise machine... Glenn Kotche. Better known as "The Kooch" from his frat days in '88 at Indiana St. University.

Wilco drummer and guitarist making shit up as they go.

Buunch 'o muppets.

Man Man

Did you see him hit the high hat. No. You didn't. Watch it again.

Battles (and formerly Helmet) drummer John Stanier

The hahahappiest of them all; she is not afraid of you and will beat your ass.

Matt and Kim - Yea Yeah

Friday, July 11, 2008


The divine Miss Corley, Carpathian Kittenloss Animal Reporter, rotates weekly observance of Hedgehog/Weird Animal Friday. I do hereby shamelessly gank the idea, and declare Fridays here at The Aubergenius to be FREDDIE MERCURY FRIDAYS!!! Holy shit, I know, I'm excited too.

In honor of this shimmering mythical beast of a man, and also of this FIRST FRIDAY, I'm letting the internal nerd have her way with this post, and sharing with you the reason I really...REALLY....started to love Queen. It is the title track to the acclaimed USA TV series Highlander, starring the illustriously pectoralled Adrian Paul. Christopher Lambert, the original Highlander from the 1986 movie, was a less-opulent, squirrely Roger Moore to Adrian's Sean Connery (ironically a cast member in the 86 film version), but I couldn't find a video with the entire opening credits song with him in it. So, please exercise your imaginations, let Adrian's blue steel here burn hole in your retina,

and pretend he's the one weilding the saber in the Highlander title track, Queen's PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE:

(I found "Princess of the Universe" to be a rather endearing typo, in context.)


Now that you've listened to that EPIC song 8 times in a row, you too can be Freddie! EVERYBODY NOW!!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Goodnight Johnny, and thanks for all the laughs.

On June 27th, Dame John Galliano planted another punky little pipe bomb on men's fashion (oh god.), with his Spring 09 men's collection, devoted to...em...well...either how he wished he looked in weird shit, or Carrot Top.

I definitely appreciate his vision for women, so to be fair I must point out the relative youth of his men's line (started in 04, I believe?). That said, allow me, self-appointed citizen-elect of the peanut gallery, to remind us all that there is no half life to the asininity of a Galliano men's collection.

I know, I know, it's not your birthday, but I'm giving you a treat anyway:

Fall 08:

Spring 08:

I think Fall o7's theme was dirty dick:

(observe the coneboob comeback)

Spring 07:

... honestly, Spring 07's highlight was le petite fromage himself:

I mean...BAM.

Fall o6:

While the idea of wrapping giant Ron Perlman's hiking socks up around one's face is unique...'s also disgusting.

Not making cookies in a tree somewhere:

Spring 06:




Fall 05:

An appropriate tableau:

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Fronted by antony of johnsons' fame - premiered at Studio B back in May...

Hercules and Love Affair. He sounds like a black woman. who may or may not be blind.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


So I saw these on Jezebel the other day - hair hats by aubegenius art director and possibly all-around silly person Nagi Noda. For some people, the 99th percentile of glamorously weird just comes naturally - raised on, like, magical Japanese super-fun-go-go future sprouts, she reminds me of how utterly 98th percentile I am at the moment. Best get to work if I'm ever going to coerce this from my brain:

But before this, it did get me to thinking about...em...things made of hair.

Check out these lovely ladies and their rather inspired human hair frocks:

Marquesan cannibals are quite the progressive dressers, wouldn't you say? Paleofuturistic caveman, replete with human thigh bone accountrements. So hot right now, don't you just want to eat them up?

And while we're on the appetizing subject of wearing a stranger's cast-off keratin:

This one is from Artidjana, and apparently took 165 feet of blond human hair. It's unspecified whethr or not it's NATURAL blond, but considering the rumor that blonds are going to be extinct by the year 2012
I feel that it's highly unlikely.

Family jewels, peasant-style...

And then there's this moving hair tribute to Cuba, found in the Hunterdon Art Museum. Expert craftsmanship, intuitive design...kind of lovely, isn't it? Right???


Ugh. So gross.